The loss of a child is an excruciatingly painful experience. I have spent lots of time dealing with emotions and feelings that I had never experienced before. I have learned a great deal. I now feel deeper, older, and wiser after spending time doing "soul" work. Stretching beyond what is comfortable is not easy or fun and takes courage. I have tried to overcome the challenges patiently and with grace. Instead of escaping the pain of my son's death, I opened my heart and felt the pain of other women's loss, too. It has taught me much, for I am a different person now, and in many ways, I am more compassionate. My soul and heart have grown. The pain of Ryan's death comes in painful waves ... yet, after each wave ... memories are left behind to fill the hole in my heart. He brought so much joy and understanding into my life. His final gift to me is wisdom.

This is the sixth and last in my series of Guardian of Motherhood dolls and it is very special to me for many reasons. It is difficult to put into words all that she represents, and this story is my best effort to do so. Through doing this series, I have met many women who have shared their private experiences with me, and we have shared many hugs and tears. Each one quietly endures the hole left in her heart. They taught me so much about love, pain, and courage. All that I have learned can never fully be expressed in words. This sculpture is a little like that. She is symbolic - and difficult to fully explain.

She is pregnant. Sweet memories rush through my mind of my pregnancy with Ryan. I have so many bittersweet memories and feelings. I remember the joy of feeling those first soft butterfly stirrings. How happy I was to be carrying my first child. I remember his unborn hiccups and my morning sickness ... my elephantiasis. I remember marveling at his size at birth - 10 pounds! In the process of making this last doll, I have remembered so many little things. It was a blessing to hold him close and to bring him safely into our world. What a gift he was.

She is a bride. We know that many brides share their wedding day with an unborn child. This is not the best or easiest pathway. Experience has taught me why. Experience has also taught me that God never deserts us ... even when we make mistakes. Perhaps the most hopeful, happiest, and truly innocent day in my life was my wedding day ... though Ryan was there, too. I had so much to learn. A white wedding dress represents purity. Most brides (with or without child) have purity of heart, a naive faith in the future, and great joy on their wedding day. I remember mine very well ... and all the years that followed. I have experienced, and learned so much that I never could have known without the challenges that came with marriage(s) and children. After many trials, I have learned ... and gained wisdom.

She holds a Virgin's lamp. It is modeled after lamps used in ancient times. The parable of the 10 Virgins kept coming to mind while I planned this doll. Since Ryan's death, I have struggled with my spirituality. I have dealt with many challenges in my life. The loss of my son has been by far the most difficult. Experience has taught me spiritual understanding is gained a drop at a time. Every time I gathered my courage and did the right thing, no matter how small, I gained a drop of oil in my lamp. Each drop represents this new spiritual growth ... or wisdom.

She is an angel. My Guardian has wings, which symbolize the love and help I received from earthly friends ... and those on the other side. I know I was not alone throughout this trial. Lots of loving angels surrounded me and gave me strength. I thank them for the help they gave me. At times it was quite literally this love that made it possible for me to endure the pain. I now have the wisdom to know that love never dies.